THE MOST HARDEST POST I’VE WRITTEN. LOVE YOURSELF <3

OKAY, So as the song goes, Let’s talk about me… Well, That’s what the blog is. About me, about my feelings, about what I think..blah blah blah. I just got back from doing my CT Scan of my Abdomen and Pelvis.With Contrast..The yummy drink they said was a Vanilla Smoothie, HA! IT WAS SO NOT! But Today’s post won’t be on that. I’ll talk later when I do all my testings, in case someone out there reading and desires to know lol what my health verdict is. I’m talking about another part of health. That’s MENTAL. That’s your SELFWORTH.

Today, I have gotten an Ah HA! Moment.. You know what it is? I’ll tell you.Well Actually Show you. LOOK AT THIS PICTURE 484867_10152211634225196_409048493_nTHIS IS ME! YES ME! 2001 Senior Year. I had contacts. I had my braces off. Before that, I had very thick Glasses, and Buck TEETH> I was made fun of off and on since I was little. PEEPS ARE CRUEL YOU KNOW. Made fun of how I talked. Made fun of for being Mormon. Made fun of not singing or being overweight. Made fun of not getting dates. Made fun of being adopted. Made fun of having Big Breasts. And made fun of having Big toes. For being Tall. For being Too moral ( i had standards ) Etc… That mattered to me. I trusted so many . I was humiliated, beaten, sexual harrassed, and Just felt Like I was no good. I wanted someone to love me. To help me. I wanted to be a singer, and Caregiver ,and a mother. And go to college, and be sealed in the temple. And So much .. That Each and every moment of my life, it broke me down..why? Because I let it! I LET THE EVIL GET IN ME.

No matter how I dressed, got makeovers, treated others so very nice, I STILL WAS NO GOOD. ( So, I thought…)

I had to learn this challenge in my life. Because Now I can help those in theirs as I am working on being accepted to BYU-Idaho online, So I can Get my Bachelor’s in Marriage and Family Studies. There is nothing wrong with adoption. There is nothing wrong with illnesses. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself,going for your dreams. The only thing wrong is SOCIETY thinks WE all should be like everyone else. THAT is a load of CRUMMMY CRUM CRAP! We are all made different because WE , Being ALL Of us together should help each other, learn from each other, grow from each other and LOVE EACH OTHER.

I’m 33 years old and married to an amazing man who loves me when my hair sticks up and I ‘m grumpy lol.He loves me for me and for how I treat him and the kids and others. He loves my humor, my singing, well basically ME! Before that, I had 2 bad marriages, one shortly after high school ..And I paid hard for those mistakes, but it Made me gain courage. I went to counseling, was on numerous medicines for depression and found that singing and writing was the best thing for me. I found that as I was building myself up, I grew more to love others and help them in any way that I can. WHY? Because I DON’T want to see anyone suffer. NO ONE SHOULD SUFFER if they can help it. I want everyone to know their great worth. To be believing and SHINE. I can’t change the world. But I can change how I act, treat others, and that is including myself. And I’m doing it. One day at a time.I still panic sometimes whether I’m good or not. why? Why did I bother to listen to cruel things?Why do I bother caring now? If I have a passion for music and writing then go for it. If I love to help others, continue, no matter how I do it. If I want to make a cd, then I need to keep the courage and DO IT! Get rid of stage fright. If people laugh at me how I look, talk, sing, write, or whatever SO BE IT. Laugh with them! Smile.. Show your beauty. Show you can STAND TALL AND have the courage and DO IT. Why do I bother caring if I’m good or not? That’s because I had so many years, and it takes the time to work on that. LOOK AT HOW I’m doing now? 🙂 I’m DOING IT. Daily, Slowly, and LOVING EVERY MINUTE. I’m Shining 🙂 I’m a MOTHER, I’M A WIFE, I’M AWARD MISSIONARY FOR MY CHURCH. I HAVE 12 SIBLINGS, AND A GREAT FATHER AND MOTHER WHO LOVE ME ALONG WITH MY SIBLINGS AND EXTENDED FAMILY OH SO MUCH. I’M BLESSED. I HAVE TALENTS, AN OPPORTUNITY TO GO TO SCHOOL. I HAVE A JOB. I HAVE FOOD, CLOTHES,    SHELTER,COURAGE,LOVE,BIG HEART.Need I say more> I’M DOING IT 🙂

When I looked at my old school picture today, I WAS LIKE WOW! I’m A BABE .. LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE. LOOK AT THAT SMILE. And now I’m even more BEAUTIFUL. You know why? For one I’m being treated well. And the most important thing is, I believe I am. I made the choice to get LASIK eye surgery because I felt so insecure, so in 2008 I got it. If I have seen this years ago, I wouldn’t have altered myself just to make me happy. I would’ve learned to love myself more and not care about what others think. Seriously, I wish you had walked in my shoes. I don’t see how I could’ve been made fun of? I don’t see anything wrong with me ?. And when I looked at my pictures growing up, I don’t see it either.. You know why? Because I’m not caring whether someone will draw on my face, send me mean notes, or care what they think. I’ve made it this far. WOW! And now look the world is, even more, hell to live in. I pray for my kids. I help teach them and treat them with love and respect and let them make choices. They need to learn not everything is peachy and great. It is tough. I still have bad days. I’m not living in a Joyous life dream here. But I can Make It that dream. Each moment, the best I know how. It’s hard . Life is hard. But I am trying to see the JOY IN EVERYTHING.  I try to show love to everyone. I want to show that everyone is loved, FROM THE INSIDE to the OUTSIDE. When I tell someone what I think of them, I  mean it. I’m not sugar coating it. I do want the best for others. That’s why I would put others first.

Do I hate those that have hurt me? Back then probably. I shed many tears for it. But now? I can honestly say no. I have love for them. Why? Is it because I want to get to heaven or show others I’m perfect? No! Because the more I think about it and have over the years, is you never know what they were going through. If someone treats you bad, I try to think of it this way.ANd it’s hard to do trust me, What are they going through? Do they need help? Are they happy? Are they safe at home? Do they have food? clothes? shelter? parents? are they drinking and on drugs and don’t know how to get help? Are they being abused? Do they have other addictions or are they abusing others? They need help? How can we help each other? What can I do to help situations like this? like I said. It’s not easy, But that’s more of turning the cheek. And serving others. We don’t know what others face. But we can help others through whatever they face.

How I learn from others. They truly have a heart of gold. And I try to be just that. I’m not perfect. I’ve gossiped, I’ve made fun of people. But I’ve been forgiven. We all have things we dislike about ourselves. We want to improve. And that’s why I wanted to do this post. So if you’re reading this, This last part needs to be said. Are you listening? okay, lol..

Wait… are you smiling???? 🙂 🙂 I hope .. You’re amazing.

You!! YES, YOU! You are BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT. You are amazing. Whether you are a male or a female. DO NOT WORRY WHAT OTHERS THINK<SAY about you. What matters, is YOU! You are in this life for a reason, and if you go down that road thinking you are not good enough, then how are you supposed to shine and find that reason? Seriously, Don’t change for others. I did and I still didn’t get good results. As I got older, and made better choices, and learned, (Even if it took me awhile again from making the same choices) I found LOVE! Love not only with my spouse ,BUT LOVE FIRST WITH ME. Let that light shine from within. Stand up for who you are and what you believe. It’s okay to cry. There will be peeps that will still be in their same old ways and that’s fine, it’s their choice, they will learn in their way. But you must find your way. Share your talents. Gain courage, as I am gaining mine in singing and writing.

Believe in yourself. Be your advocate. Know that your faults, with flaws,trials,and struggles make you even more AMAZING. They do.You know how? Because you’ve made it this far. I shed my tears with you.I scream with you. I am on my knees praying with you (if you do that) I write with you, I sing with you. I listen with you. I’ll believe in you. Stay positive. Don’t go down a self-destructive road. Please stay on the right side of the road. Baby steps, little steps at a time. If I get anything across in anyone that has or is suffering, I just want you to know, It’s OKAY! All is well. You’ll get through it. Grab ahold of your life and do the opposite. SHINE! SHOW YOURSELF THAT YOU DO MATTER. Trust me, it will take everything you got in this world..BUT YOU CAN DO IT! Oh I wish everyone the best. I wish for safety, love, peace,and happiness. SEEK HELP WHETHER A FRIEND, FAMILY MEMBER, STRANGER,DOCTOR, OR HEAVENLY FATHER AND JESUS. Jesus is one man that I believe suffered through everything JUST FOR US. He is there. IF you believe he is guiding you , loving you , MATTER .and willing to be there any second of the day. I want everyone to shine in all the talents that the good lord gave them. I wish for everyone to know they are loved no matter the look , no matter the sex, no matter what. MATTER.I’m just one simple gal and I’m learning this too. REMAIN TRUE TO YOURSELF< BE YOUR ADVOCATE.. Don’t bow to bullies. STand up for what is right and never think abuse, bullying,or any other unrighteous, unhealthy thing is OKAY. Get the help that’s needed. And REaLLY START LOVING YOURSELF. SEE YOUR BEAUTY. Truly from the bottom of my heart, You won’t regreat it ..Keep shining and smiling. Keep learning when you fail ..Never give up. NEVER LOSE YOUR IDENTITY! ❤ GOD IS WITH ALL OF Us,JUST BELIEVE IN YOU!

 

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2 thoughts on “THE MOST HARDEST POST I’VE WRITTEN. LOVE YOURSELF <3

  1. You were a very pretty senior. 💖 I always try to remind myself that those who hurt me are lacking in their own self worth. Something is broken inside them; they’ve forgotten who they are (a child of God) and they lash out at me because it makes them feel better? More in control? I’m available as their sister or daughter, I guess. I’m not sure, but I know they’re hurting inside and those who are the hardest to love need my love the most, even if they pretend they don’t want it. You are very wise from your experiences. 💞

    Liked by 1 person

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