HELLO, ALL~ THIS IS A REAL HEARTFELT POST HERE. I also provided a couple songs. And forewarn you, yes there is the word ‘damn’ in one of them. I sang it and it’s just part of the song and part of the feeling so don’t play it if you don’t want to hear it. Don’t play it around your kids. Normally I don’t cuss but I’m human so I make mistakes but that’s beside the point. I am reminded that I can only do what JACKIE can do. I can do things for others. I can’t fix everything. I can’t change everything. I can only do what I can do. But I must keep reminding myself that as I do what I can and truly have done so, then God can take the rest. He is there at all times. Not just horrible times. Heavenly Father is there ready and to listen in all times of needs. Whether you have exciting or worse news. He’s there in our good times. I must remember that serenity prayer too. “Only accept the things I cannot change ” I know I’m used to doing this and that and caring for this and that. But I must get proper rest. I must change priorities. I must ask for help and not til things get bad. I must lean on others for their support. Keep praying. Keep writing. Keep serving. Keep Going and Keep loving. Most of all keep my heart softened. And I fail and the adversary finds a way in and I’m back to struggling again and losing that smile and strength.
This past month has been the most hardest . From work, behind in school,personal trials,health,and other issues. I’ve been struggling so bad that I was to the point that whatever happens, happens and I didn’t care about any outcome of the certain situations I and my family are facing. I know these aren’t any of my doing. Yet, I’m blessed to have these trials to better learn and grow. I’m blessed for these challenges because I am strong and can overcome them. I am blessed to work. Blessed to go to school. Bless to have an amazing husband and be apart of Gavin and Savannah’s life. But for me, ‘ve experienced the worst heartache ever since I can remember. Nothing has been easy for me. From family challenges, failed marriages, children, school, bullying, etc..
Sometimes we are given so much at one time because the man upstairs doesn’t think we can handle it. HE KNOWS WE CAN!. I sometimes question things and why he does so? Which leads to doubt and losing faith. Then it turns to hardening my heart. I can still be happy and enjoy life. Which don’t get me wrong, I love my life. But I’m exhausted. I’ve exhausted myself of trying to be perfect and not accepting the lords helps. He knows I’ve done all I could. How many times does he need to Whack me to see that? Yet, he won’t step in. Because we all have free agency. So I chose to keep being hateful and lose that strength. Does that mean I’m a bad person? Does that mean I stopped believing in life, my family,dreams , gospel and etc ?> NO WAY! JUST MEANS I’M HAVING A HARD TIME. JUST LIKE YOU. THAT’S OKAY! It just means that If I stumble down I must keep trying harder. Never giving up and that is DAILY! When you refreshed yourself you must keep going and hang on. Never give up that hope and faith. Knowing you are strong and not suck in any negative people or things. Because that Adversary is waiting to come for you even harder.
So The more I give and the more I love the deeper I am in. If anything or anyone breaks that, It will finally break me. So I started putting up my guard. I started hardening my heart. I didn’t care if I chewed someone up and spit them out. I wasn’t going to deal with anything else and lose my heart for the last time. My complete heart. It’s not easy and I don’t care who you are to forgive all those that have hurt you since birth. It’s not easy for you to love others so much you put yourself on the backside and forget your dreams no matter how small or big they are. Because your heart is your heart and that’s what you do. You live to see others succeed. You live to see others happy and safe and well. It’s not easy to be a STEP MOTHER. I Don’t care who you are. You give your heart to these children and you protect them and your heart. And sometimes things and people stand in the way and you just wear yourself out saying you can’t do this anymore. You say you don’t want to go through this and hurt. You love them if they were your own. But you understand there are situations that you didn’t make but they have their own trials so they must face them. Same as if you see others or your family or friends or strangers face. My heart feels for everyone. I can’t turn that off. I can’t change it and I won’t change it. That’s just how I am. But it WEARS ME OUT. I just wanted to stop caring , just for a little bit. And when I did, I started getting more hateful. I couldn’t sleep and I just didn’t care.. If you truly know me I have an amazing heart and so big and that no matter how hurt I get I keep going. But I was struggling so much I cracked. I cracked in prayer and my family could only do so much. I then and still playing phone tag with my surgeon
If you truly know me I have an amazing heart and so big and that no matter how hurt I get I keep going. But I was struggling so much I cracked. I cracked in prayer and my family could only do so much. I then and still playing phone tag with my surgeon office. For some reason, they are calling and I can’t seem to call them back at the right time. Then I’ve been so behind due to the issues going on personally that I was afraid to I’d have to take pathway over and I’m a month from graduating and I was getting mad because I had sacrificed so much and dealt with so much to get where I am today and i said that was not happening. Well, I reached out to my instructors and my online missionary and I unloaded on them. I couldn’t cry anymore. I couldn’t talk anymore. My physical pain and issues with this spine etc were getting worse, I been struggling just to hold my arms half way just to work and type. I been struggling to sweep,shower,clean,cook, eat, whatever. I just kept it all in. I made sure I put a smile on my children and family and friends faces. While deep inside I was hurting. I got so bad that I didn’t like who I was and I needed to just let it out. So I did. Then the Lord stepped in. The emails I sent to work. Sent to pathway and school. The messages I left wherever I needed, I got response. I was responded with I love you. I’m thinking of you. Stay strong. You’re doing good don’t worry about your work and your school. You’re appreciated. You go way above and beyond. Let others handle these things for you. So my burdens were lightly unloaded. I still have kinks but I have that strength. When I thought I needed to hear certain things at that certain time , I didn’t. God knew when I needed to hear them. When I needed the call, or the card, or the message or email. He knew when I needed to hear that I am so awesome and I’m in no danger of graduating because my scores are so high. That the instructors are working with me and to just take it week by week and not so hard on myself. That my financial aid will kick in so I can go to BYU in Sept.
I heard that there is so many out there loving me, caring for me, supporting me, and that I inspire and that they are there for me anytime. That I am a beautiful and amazing person and incredible wife and mother. That during my down time with surgery the surgery team is there and I have so many that will check on me. I AM NOT ALONE AND WILL NOT BE ALONE. That my burdens are my Savior burdens. That others will lift my burdens. But in order to do so I must LET GO. I must ACCEPT THE HELP. And no matter how many times I have that AH HA! The moment, I need to keep doing it. So if you’re reading this, You’re not alone too. You will suffer but you won’t ever be alone. Swallow that pride. Accept the help and SEEK for others to help you. Whether it’s just unload your heart to them. Whether it’s a message of I care or a visit. Know you’re awesome and it’s okay to have those moments. But it’s never okay to give up. You keep going and Keep rising. These moments right here are the most important I learn from. For then my testimony grows even more. For I understand the atonement even more. And I learn to help others more. So Keep going. Keep trying. Keep believing. Keep praying. Keep loving. Keep forgiving. Keep that heart softened. Make time for yourself. Make time to enjoy your talents and passions. Above all Make time to go to the lord! All the best. We all will get through this life together. You must grab that rope again and keep climbing. ❤ JACKIE
P.S. You’re doing alright. Keep smiling. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to do the best you can and go from there. CLICK THE LINKS TO HEAR 🙂
FOOLISH GAMES ~http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/c1933c5ad
Someone like you~ http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/c89d5836d
Jealous of the angels ~ http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/c4b8ef795
Concrete Angel~ http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/b37c015c5