Hello My Awesome Good Peeps! I want to thank you all that have supported me whether I’ve known you since birth or just recently, or in the future. I’m sure if you’ve gone through my other posts (which is on my home page in left side) You will see various topics. I have found that if I don’t take time for me to enjoy my doodle art (one of the pics is up top) or music or writing , I start getting depressed. I have fought depression for many years. Here I’m 34, and have most of what I’ve always wanted. A husband that is such an amazing spirit and father. He works hard as a power lineman and working towards his journeyman. He provides so much comfort, spirit,laughter,love,and just an amazing example in our home. I was grateful to be chosen to be his wife for all eternity and a step mother to a beautiful 6 year old girl and almost 18 year old boy. Yet I still have all that I ever wanted or needed, and you still have trials to overcome. It’s not punishment.
It’s not easy to blend families, but you know what? I know all about it because being in foster care at 2 months to 3 years and then adopted and there were 9 and I had my twin sister and I and 2 brothers join which makes 13 🙂 and 2 awesome parents. Then I have 5 other bilogical siblings whom I’ve met out there. And so much extended family. Now I’m a momma to 2 beautiful ”step” kids . I consider everyone family. So we’re all blended and created and well that makes us FAMILY! .. You decided what you think of that. I can’t ask you to agree. But I can ask you to feel within your heart to know what is true .
As stated in my writings, I’ve seen and endured a lot of things in my life from challenges with family, health, homeless, abuse, choices,and so much more. You know what ? I’ve over come. .Yet, I still have depression . I’ve learned to manage my depression better as I got older. Every now and then it will come back. It hurts. I cry. I feel empty and sad. Then that’s when good ol adversary comes in and BAM! I knock him back out! 🙂 Just because things are going great doesn’t mean you won’t have battles. Just because you may go far in your talents, doesn’t mean you won’t have set backs and challenges. JUST DON’T YOU QUIT !
I’m not ashamed to say I’ve had a hard life. A lot was not of my doing. Some were choices I made. And of course of having a good heart,yet I was warned. But you know those that weren’t around me , many had judged, but like everyone knows, you never know what someone is going through behind closed doors. You don’t know what they are going through deep inside. You know how many times I’ve kept a smile on my face ? or dressed all warm clothes in the summer time? or hadn’t really seen family in like span of 15 years . Yet, it appeared as all is fine or I would here, ”just be grateful” ”others are suffering more”. So I would just bury it deep inside me or in my writing and music and think that I wasn’t worth expressing how I felt, or how I am hurt or how I’m jealous, or not happy . I was afraid of rejection. Or afraid of so much .
Most of that wasn’t even my choice or making. I had to experience some awful things. In those awful things, I really experienced being left out, unloved, worthless, forgotten, and so much more. I lost my confidence. It’s took me many years to be where I am today. To be able to be out side of my comfort zone. To share my heart,feelings,wisdom,advice,talents,support,love to all I can. I sought the help counselors/doctors/medicines/ I became more self-reliant. I started ignoring others in their thinking or way of treating me, even if it was the closest ones too me. I never know what is going on in someone else’s mind, life, or how they feel. I don’t try to guess. All I try to do is see and feel through that into their heart and soul .That’s where I grow my compassion and love.
I truly am not a people person. I used to be. But experiences changed that. I changed that. Did I let it stop me for good? NO WAY! I bounced back. I got my faith back. Got my love back. And I never gave up hope, faith and love for my Heavenly FAther and Jesus. They have been with me all along. I must continue to believe in myself and believe in that. For it gets harder and that’s quite alright. Just look back to how far you’ve come. Lean on all that you can to support whether it’s through your own experiences/feelings/talents or the service of others. That’s why life is so beautiful. There’s so much unique,changes,people,cultures,talent,and experiences out there, that we should just savor in it and do our best. That’s all! Just do your best!
Whether you believe in the same beliefs I do or not, I don’t care. I’m grateful being a mormon. I chose to make this decision. I have many times to see if it was perfect for me. Just like you choose in what you believe or what you want to do.I share this because if I could help at least , one soul, it would make my heart be so full. I don’t share it to be one hit wonder or popular for a day. I don’t believe in popularity. I seen what that got growing up in school. Oh how I wished I was ‘popular’ just like my siblings, friends, or those around me. How I wanted to look and be like them. Or the music artist I so love. I was wishing the wrong things. It only took me even further down in the dumps. Because I had to learn my self-worth. I had to learn what I’m good at and what my talents were.
There was so much comparing everywhere I seen on television,school,families,church,magazines,etc.. It really was depressing. As I started believing in me and seeing, I looked at myself different and others could see the change. Do I do that all the time? HA! If I did, I don’t think I’d write a work in progress post at all. LOL. I could change my attitude and my looks and my learning all I want, but it wouldn’t do anything for me. I was made to be someone and only God knew who that was. He has been and continues to show me that way, just like each of us. We are given choices and free agencies to choose. We have talents that we must develop and those even include of love,kindness,charity,compassion, support and then you get into music,art,sports,dance and etc.. You also may have great talents in being physicans,nurses,rescue,soldiers,teachers,parents, etc.. No matter what the ‘label’ is, we are all god’s children. We’ve come from somewhere and we all belong together. Not for me to tell you to believe that, I just know in my heart.
So I use my talents and use my heart to help show my support. To help grow in my understanding who I need to be. I grow in learning how to be a better wife,mother,sister,friend, artist,missionary,and so much more. I’m growing each day and I do fail each day. Yet, the important thing is , I get back up. I see the accomplishments I’m doing. I mean I just restarted publishing my writing again. Do I worry whether it will hit New York Best Seller’s? HA! No! , I’d be lucky if one person bought it. But guess what? One person did and that was ME! To be able to hold my uplifting thoughts that have inspired me to go on over the years and put it into books, is PRICELESS.. Do I wish everyone could have one? Well yes! IF I could afford it I would send it to all I know or just give out. .but yes, in life you have to have money. And I’m only selling my writing because it will help me continue my desires and help my family,especially education and buying our house.But that isn’t the important part of it. Knowing I’m doing it. Facing my fear. Not caring how many are liking or disliking. Not caring if my family or friends will like it. It’s because I DID IT! I am continuing to grow and learn from the experience. After all , who knows how many lives I can touch. That’s the amazing part.
Do I worry if I sing good enough where I can try out on America’s Got Talent, or The Voice and Other Shows? Way I feel now, NO NO NO! LOL. It’s not in my cards to do so. I love to sing, and I enjoy playing my keyboard and I enjoy writing lyrics to music. I’ll make my cd one day. I’ll find someone to help with the music and I will accomplish it. I don’t see other artists as ‘famous’. I see them as If I can just walk up to them and go have lunch or something. Or we find the nearest Karaoke Joint and sing together. It’s honestly, a way to help my stage fright. I don’t want to stand up to thousands and sing a song , knowing I’m not going to do that again. I rather sing when I feel prompted and sing to enjoy and uplift or when I experience hard times or other events, it comforts me. Just as writing, or doing my art. Just as being of service to others whether I follow you on twitter,blogs,facebook , or one day go to your show or concert. Whether I watch you dance, or draw. Whether I see you do magic or what a game. Whatever desire you have, I wish I had the time to just travel all over the world and just be that someone saying ‘Hey! You matter! I’m here! .. But it’s reality, and the only thing I can do is honestly, write how I feel, follow ,pray and think of you. I do mean it from my heart, I’m that person. If I had an opportunity to go to a game or a concert for the first time or whatever, I’d find someone who needed it more. That’s just me.
I love making others smile and feel good. I love motivation and I try to spread that wherever I go. Many tell me I’d be a good comedian or an actress. Well if that was so, then I’d have my own show . I mean how great would it be for someone to look at you all the time and laugh? I think that be awesome. You’re doing your job. You made them feel good! 🙂
I want everyone to succeed. But we all know we all fail. I want everyone to be fed,have a family,show their talents, have school, have children, have life experiences whether it’s tasting the first dessert, or shopping spree. Whether you get your first car or hug. Having your first marriage or baby. Taking care of a medical issue. Feeling loved. Feeling wanted and needed. Feeling special. Receiving a card or money or flowers, or a gift. Winning or receiving a prize or surprise from someone . Being on a show or singing with your favorite artist or being with person you look up too. Mainly just experincing life and being grateful for all you have. I know there are so so so many people around the world , that can’t even taste water. Some can’t even see or walk. Some are dying. Some who haven’t even ate or know what clothes are. Some that can’t even talk. There are many that don’t have homes or school or doctors. Haven’t even experienced birthdays, parents, family, marriage,births,relationships, or other things. It breaks my heart. Not to the point where I feel so sorry and I think I can change the world. It breaks my heart that I am not grateful for all the things I have all the time. It breaks my heart that I don’t pay more attention to the needs of others whether family,friends,strangers ..No matter how many times they need it.
Whether someone needs food, clothes, shelter,money,hugs,letters,experiences,family,friends, forgiveness,help,love,kindness,medical , or teaching or saving . I firmly believe from the bottom of my heart that WE SHOULD BE THAT PERSON> NOT ONCE BUT ALWAYS. My heart and my actions try to show that daily. That no matter how hurt or awful it may be. No matter how bad someone has hurt me in anyway, it’s forgiveness. I must forgive and love and move on and hope that they will be better. I hope and pray that their heart will be touched and softened so they can share what was given to them will be a blessed awaking for those that do wrong to help others that need it ,or one day to come to terms and be able to be forgiven. I am no saint. I have had my issues but I have one heart. I have my thoughts, my feelings, my desires,my wishes, my testimony,my strengths,my weaknesses, and my belief. These are my heart. My dreams and passions .
Just as one beautiful servant,brother,friend,enemy,loving,compassionate,unselfish amazing man..My BROTHER JESUS ! Your brother Jesus. You don’t have to agree with me. This isn’t a debate. This is my post of my gift of seeing others by looking through their heart. Through their soul. Through their life and knowing that no matter the case, I surely can’t judge them. Why I judge myself too much , I’ll never know. But I do know this, I will surely help another as many times as I can, no matter how hard it may be. No matter how hard they hurt me in return, disown me, use me , or forget me. No matter if they continue to make the same mistakes. I can’t and will not turn away someone for their color, their background,their choices, or whatever it may be. I cannot turn away someone because I was given this chance to live also. We chose to be here and we choose how we want to be. But by golly there will be a judgement day and if I was given this life because of one unselfish amazing soul then I shall not turn another soul away. I can be cautious and continue to be respected,stand my ground and follow the laws, but If I was and you was loved enough to be tortured and died for ,then I’ll try to show the same love and respect in anyway I know how.
I’m not made of money. I have my challenges. I know my priorties . BUt life is life, and only one of it. By golly as many have given their time,love,money,effort,compassion,kindness,acceptance,and support, I shall do the same, and that is going with the teachings of my Heavenly Father and Jesus. So If I have talents to use to help so be it. If I have a body to use for support or help, I’ll provide. If I have strength,prayers,time,money,food,clothing etc..avaliable, then I’ll see what I can do. If I can follow,pray,love ,support in anyway for any man or woman , (my brothers and sisters,) every living being is family and apart of our creator, no one needs to be turned away or aside. SO I do what I do to do that. I may not always. I may struggle. I may be turned away. But by golly I tried.
So with your gifts. Your talents. Your freedom and your choices, Just know there is always someone there needing to know you and hear you and be loved by you. Just as they are for you or someone else. Try to not deny blessings for others as you are being blessed yourself because of them and because of experiences. They need blessings as well. There’s a lot of bad and heartache and has been. If you’ve known , it’s happened since beginning of time. But we can surely try to live in a better world. It doesn’t have to be ‘annouced’ for fame or to get more ”follows” or attention .The greatest gift you could give someone is even the smallest but most meaniful and that is in the comfort of your own heart. That is love and pray and forgiveness and compassion. You can’t see it but the feeling is amazing. It’s letting another feel what it’s liked to be loved,cared for and being blessed, the same you have been.
I said these words because it’s of my heart. It reminds me that I am an amazing woman . It gives me strength to know that I am not selfish,or greedy, or ‘want attention’ or other rude things that have been said . I am a daughter of god who has trusted me with the creation of a body,mind,and spirit and paved a way for me to be the best and help others a long the way. That as I do this, I will grow not only spiritually, but mentally, physically and even financially . In the sense that will help my needs and desires and to be able to help those as well. For that, I am so deeply grateful and for the atonement of christ because no matter how many mistakes or how many things I do,I am always and will always be loved for ME! And I just want everyone to see and feel that too.
To all that does take the time to read this. I hope you can feel it and believe it too. Don’t stop your dreams and desires. Know you can change for the better and develop those awesome gifts as well. For I’m being blessed by so many of you. I truly want the best for you. Please don’t worry if no one responds or follows you right off the bat. Or if you don’t feel as if anyone cares, because trust me, you are truly remarkable and you will feel that and be comforted knowing. You must truly trust yourself, trust in seeing that and all will unfold. Stay true to yourself and your time will come and you will shine brighter then the brightest stars out there. For you have so much potential waiting. Oh please see your worth and your strength. Please learn from your mistakes. and NEVER EVER EVER feel bad for looking ,feeling,acting, or doing something different from others.. BECAUSE THAT IS WHO YOU ARE.
Much love and prayers, all the best ~ Til Next Time ! Jackie ❤