CHALLENGES,FAMILY & JEALOUSY <3

Good Morning! ❤ It’s the weekend. You know what that means? Yep! Same thing working LOL. At least there’s breaks and there’s still time for me to do things I love or spend time with family. I love staying busy and helping others whether it’s paid or not! No one can ever put a price tag on you. My time spent to serving and helping others is a blessing . Sadly, you can’t live on that blessing lol You must continue to learn, earn, and keep going! That’s why I’m doing my posts when I can . That’s why I’m trying to publish my writing and songs and use my gifts for good. Facing those fears. There will always be rejection. There will always be doors that close. Yet, you must be the one that accepts you and keep doing what you love. There will be other opportunites. Never give up. And as I’ve said before, If you have, then get back out there and get back up! So worth it! YOU ARE TOO!

Since last 4 years I’ve been more open on feelings and building my talents. I’ve really grown over the last 20 years. From the previous 2 divorces, several surgeries, and other challenges in life. I know that the biggest challenges in my life have been family, health, and self-confidence. When I say family I don’t mean they are horrible ( Don’t be offended my family peeps ) I know some get so touchy .. I’ve had challenges of family since birth. From foster care, to big families, to marriages, children ,etc.. It means more than what I have stated. More on my part of wanting to feel accepted and needed .

At times I’m not ashamed to feel neglected or lonely . I have a HUGE FAMILY. I’m blessed with a loving family and children and amazing spouse. Family has always been important to me. I try so hard in loving others and treating others as family. A lot of my pain and depression was because of that. I’ve met my biological family and I’m not ready to talk on the experiences of that. I was blessed to have met them and get some questions answered at the time. I did that when I was 17 . When I was 18 I was blessed to meet my foster family. So knowing where I was from birth and then into foster care,really opened my eyes. Also answered some questions I’ve always wanted to know. Still love and In contact with my foster family.

I’ve faced a lot of health challenges .Some were from birth and other situations. Then there’s me accepting my part of my health issues like weight, emotional etc.. Believe it or not emotions play a big part. I sought counseling many times over the years because I was tired of feeling so bad and unimportant. Only to realize I’m the opposite. So are YOU! We ALL ARE IMPORTANT. It’s not a crime to admit your issues nor it’s a crime to seek help. As stated we all have gifts and each other. How can everyone use what they are born to do if we don’t seek the help? There’s so many resources and in this world their’s a lot of judgement. Don’t let that steer you from getting help you need. Whether it’s for physical,emotional,spiritual,financial etc.. It’s ALWAYS THERE. You have to be willing. Since then I’ve been able to manage on my own and control my life to the best of my ability. I just can’t control what happens and others. You might find that in your life too , if you agree. You can work on yourself and others will see and follow.

In my posts I try to follow the spirit and post of what I know and feel to be true to the best of my knowlege. I post to be able to have a place to go back and learn and see what I can do or say different next time. I post to post and then have the courage not to delete for I’d be deleting myself and my feelings. Emotions are there for us to distinguish and learn and how to control in what we say,do, and act. We are all born to uplift,learn,grow,love,share,support and so much more. That is what I am trying to do. I am reminded from many things and those that are doing the same that YES! It’s quite alright not being okay. It’s quite alright to express and to feel emotions. I don’t need to be condemned,judged,or push aside because I may do things or say things that may not be approving of others. Even if it’s the truth. As I show so many love,respect,and support especially amongst my family and friends, and those I meet. I expect the same. I don’t expect it will happen all the time. We are here to choose. But I’m not afraid of expression and standing up for myself. For I know what I’m faced with and what I experience and how I feel. Just as you are in your own life. SO BE YOU! BE THE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL YOU THAT GOD INTENDED FOR YOU TO BE. If you weren’t meant for doing the things you are desiring to do, you wouldn’t have the opportunites.

When I’m talking about challenges and jealousy and family, this is a very deep, emotional part in my heart. For many years I couldn’t really express myself because of comments like ”You don’t have to tell the world everything”, or ”It’s not all about you”. ”Just keep going”. ”Remember someone else is off worse”. ”Don’t blame others” . ”You did this to yourself”. ”No one likes you since you were born”. ”No one wanted to deal with you , that’s why you have no one”. ”You were just a paycheck in the system when you were adopted”. I could go on. Granted I forgave all those that have bullied and hurt me whether it was prior relationships,family,friends, or strangers. Yet, the words still hurt. I don’t focus on them til things remind me of them. Instead of sulking, getting down in the dumps or giving up on what I’m doing and just keep buried in, I use my gifts for others.

Sometimes those gifts are used for me. Just as I’m doing now. My heart hurts so much from all I’ve endured. I’m very happy in my life and how I’ve grown. That’s why I’m going to school . I believe getting my Bachelor’s in Marriage and Family Studies will help me become more self-sufficent, independent, help with courage,faith,testimony, serving, and being able to handle life’s challenges more. I feel strongly that I will be able to work through all challenges with confidence and not be afraid to write,speak,sing, or do. I won’t be having ‘stage fright’ any more. As I ‘m working on all this now, I feel furthering my education will help. I feel as I continue to grow and understand why I feel and do things and learn the way I do, I will be able to comprehend my life better.

Yet, sometimes I get down. I get down because the adversary really uses my biggest challenges in life, against me. He tries to pull my thinking and make it seem that I’m not wanted and needed since birth. He tries to prey on my feelings that the reason I am not talked to or seen or included in things is because I’m ‘mental’ or ‘just a paycheck’ or nobody really cares. When you’ve had these things told to you over and over and over (like a broken record) It’s drilled in your mind over the years. Even though you know you aren’t, it’s still there. You got to work on coping with that and so GIFTS ARE AMAZING. However I’m feeling I choose service, writing,singing, or whatever I can to help remind me I’m better than that. That Heavenly FAther sees you , The WHOLE YOU! He loves you for that. So he gave me and you talents/gifts to help you in times like this or times for other people to hear,see,or learn from. Today’s one of those times.You can never forget things. Trust me! I’ve tried. Something will always jog your memory. But you can’t let it bring you down. I’m not going to say I’m positive all the time. I hurt. My heart physically hurts at times. That’s okay. We’re all human. It’s not okay to not feel. It’s not okay to release your feelings and be afraid of rejection or that others will stop loving you. You must find that outlit that you love and just use it . Exercise, gatherings, church, prayer, service, cooking,cleaning, journaling, gardening, camping, hiking, sports, etc.. is other things I enjoy doing too. Find the things that you love and just switch them out and do!

You guys, I’ve felt this my whole life. I still do. At times I write or sing or say things and then delete it because I feel I’ll be told that I’m telling the ”world” too much. Or I’m being more personal than I should. Or I’ll feel like my words or feelings doesn’t matter.Um hello? Isn’t that what life is? How can anyone help you if you can’t be who you are? How can you build yourself up without challenges? How can you learn and grow if you don’t express? That’s what I’m doing now. I’m taking my leap of faith again. I am rising above the adversary and all the negative things and seeing it’s okay to express. We are here to express. If I judged everyone for what they’ve told me I would be pinpointing what they do too much or what they say that isn’t right. That isn’t how we should act or be. I’m a very passionate, bold,blunt, driven,caring, big hearted person. And when I’m told things I shouldn’t do I would back down. After the last experiences in my life, I grew a back bone and started my courage again. I started seeing me for me and loving me for me. I started caring for myself and others more. I started my talents and gifts up again. Remarried and gained a family. I have so much to be grateful for, that through my experiences I FEEL IT’S NECESSARY TO DO SO.

It doesn’t mean I’m crazy. Doesn’t mean I’m mental or other horrible names I’ve been called. Who in life has the right to judge how I feel or how I word things? I’m me. I write for therapy. I sing for therapy. I do crafts for therapy. I do all the things I love because it’s who I am and who I wanted to be. I’m fighting my fears and I’m changing lives for good because of what I have conquered is helping others. Same with you. Don’t let judgement and bullying, and friends and family and others bring you down. It’s not okay. You are allowed to voice your opinions. We all are. But I believe in a well mannered way. You can’t tell someone to rewrite how you feel or rephrase what you say. (unless it’s a professional job lol) But if that’s how you feel then no amount of therapy,prayer,pills etc. .will help you. Only you ! You have to be willing to find yourself. Stand up for yourself and see yourself. Just as the Savior did for all of us. I don’t think having a big of a heart and wanting to express is bad. Just as being private but opening up on things you love to do with sports or outdoor things.

You know we all suffer on the outside and inside. Some of us are suppose to shine on the outside while others are to shine through their jobs or other talents that don’t consist of sharing their ”feelings” and other things. Doesn’t mean that any of us are better than the other. We all have gifts that are different. Like my parents and siblings gifts may be through their jobs, hiking,sports, or other crazy fun stuff they are good at. Or being a mother to 13 kids and a father to 13 kids. To handle buisness affairs really good or being wonderful mothers,fathers,physicans, or hold church callings really good.

Then you have those like me and others in my family that are using their gifts in books, music, humor and other activites. Some of us choose to be quiet and some choose to be open. Going from open to quiet over the years was so hurtful and depressing. I cared and still care too much of what others say. That doesn’t mean I don’t ignore people. I sure do. It’s just how my heart feels. Probably all the missing, feeling empty, lonely, sheltered, neglected and etc through all my challenges, makes my heart more full of emotion and understanding of how others feel. That makes me want to get out of my comfort zone whether someone is offended or not ”agreeing” with how I use my gifts. And that’s alright because they are my gifts and it’s my life and I must handle it the way I feel I need to. I must be my own advocate and stand up to my feelings.

I’m not doing this post to ‘be better than anyone else” or to debate or be harsh. I’m actually doing it to relieve my feelings and help with my insecurites. It’s just been a weird last few days and then when I see families together it brings up a lot of emotions. Probably a lot of emotions buried. It’s more a comfort to me to just write away where I can and when I can, during that moment. SO what if it’s public. I’m sure those that see this blog may be understanding where I come from. Some may not even read this blog. I started it to help with my personal progress and be more uplifting,positive, and I just need to stop explaining why I do things LOL. I don’t need acceptance from family,friends, or other people. I need to only have acceptance from me and my maker. .To me anyway because most of my life I was trying to please in my relationships,friends,family,parents ,etc.. And it just got harder. I had to become self reliant and make my own decisions without having to seek help on every little thing. When I started to do that and especially moving away from my home state, I was having more freedom. Yet, I was having more loneliness too. I don’t want to go back and live in Tennessee. I am in my own chapter of life. Too much of my life experiences is back there, where I’ve moved on and all I need to do is move forward. Yet when you move forward you carry emotions.

My most jealousy is from my family. There’s 13 of us together. I get jealous because all the time I’ve waisted over the years in relationships,health,financial troubles,mistakes,choices,and just life things where I missed out on so much. I missed out on marriages, reunions,funerals,parties,births, and just quick getaways. I missed getting to know my siblings spouses and children. Or seeing my Aunts/Uncles/Grandparents/Cousins etc.. You may think so what! Or I don’t know what you would think. Some would say well that’s life! Or not my problem. But how can you explain your ‘true feelings’ of this and the hurt and the depression and pain when you had suffered so greatly in many challenges during the times in those years? How can you? You can’t. Because life takes over. Because everyone is busy. It’s not for you to always get attention or seek it. I’ll admit during those times I needed attention. I needed support and I needed love. Was I love by my family? WELL YES! But I felt needed In different ways. They didn’t know cuz I didn’t ask. They thought I was fine.So let others know. True help will be there.

Do I feel hurt because I don’t experience the same things as my other family members? WELL YA! I’M HUMAN.Lol. Do I take offense and start getting depressed because I feel like the outsider? Yes! I’m human. Do I feel that I’m exculded on a lot of things because of maybe how I was growing up or now ? YES AT TIMES! Should I be yelled at or forgotten or chewed out for saying this? NO WAY! I won’t stand for it either. It’s the truth. It’s my feelings. My emotions and how I’ve seen and how I’ve perceived it to be. Am I right or are others right ? I don’t know. It’s not up for me to judge that. I only have one judge and when it’s judgement day I’ll be told what I did was right or wrong. This is how I feel. I’m jealous. I’ve been jealous and probably will always be jealous. It’s not anything my family has done. It’s how I have done and thought. Takes a long time to recover from hurt. Takes a long time to trust again.

I know I’m loved .But you can’t go on through life and not be jealous, wrong, hurt, or other emotions. You can’t be positive all the time. I’m surely not. I TRY TO BE! I TRY! That’s the key word. It helps to get the pain and the sadness out. Nothing wrong with wanting a better relationship with your family. Nothing wrong with wanting to go to parties,reunions,trips,shopping,getaways, or other things. There is nothing with wanting and desiring that ,especially with the ones you love. Yes, I do some of these with my own family and spouse. Yes, I have desires to do things with them as well.I’m talking about my family I grew up with. Family that chose to love me and support me for eternity (scary LOL )> Family that is always centered around being a family.

Nothing wrong with feeling left out or other things (even if it’s not really what is happening) again that’s your emotions. That’s the adversary. And what do you do about it? you WRITE! Well in this case. You PRAY! You look back at all the pictures, memories, calls, cards, gifts, and just know You have them forever. In all the good, the bad, the anger, the resientment, the forgiving, the laughter, the sick ,the well , the funny , and whatever else memories it is. Just because you feel ‘excluded’ or feel other things doesn’t mean you are. It’s okay to look and watch and to hear . It’s okay to feel this a bunch of times. I can only speak for me. Probably because of the hardest times in my life since I was 18 and the choices I made and the choices made from others, in the good and bad I only wanted one thing deep down inside. You know what that was? FAMILY! I wanted them by me going thru kids,marriages,abuse,surgeries,loneliness etc. How could they ? When you don’t ask you can’t . So Do ask whenever you need help. Savior was always there.

I have a family because of unselfish love of 2 parents that made the choice to adopt 4 more. Because of the love,advice,disipline,memories,food,shelter,caring,gospel,closeness,compassion etc.. I was reminded thats what really matters. That’s how I want to be with my own family. That is what helped me become stronger , even if it was deep down inside of me all those years. FAMILY IS EVERYTHING . Whether we’re together or not. Whether we all see each other or not. Whether we get to experience the same things or not FAMILY IS EVERYTHING. AND THAT MEANS EVERYONE IS FAMILY! No one is left behind. It may seem that way. We all have lives. But truly the only thing that is making you feel that is ADVERSARY! He gets you when you least expect it. He makes you feel as if the world is better. He trys to make you see that other siblings, parents, children,uncles,aunts,cousins, etc.. are so much more better,smarter,funner,important than you. You may not believe this, but oh I so do! I know! I FEEL. I can DiSERN! IT’s TRUE! I have all my life and I just kept going. Now I keep going and getting it all out.

If there is anyone out there that kind of agrees and feel this way, DON’T LET THE ADVERSARY WIN. We all have different opportunites and experiences. We all have our emotions and gifts. We all feel different things. We all take things different. Some may disagree with me. Some may hate this post. Some may love this post. Some may share this post. Some may comment . Some may be uplifted . It doesn’t matter. It’s my feelings and my post and my experiences. It just needs to show you that NEVER GIVE IN ON THE HORRIBLE VIBES.Yes you can feel bad. You can have your desires and wants. I promise you things will make sense. Questions will be answered. Things you ”assumed” will either be truth or not. Either way you are SO IMPORTANT. We are all God’s children. We should try to accept that. (again it’s your choice). We should support and love and comfort and reassure.

No one should feel bad going on with their lives. Shouldn’t feel bad if someone is missing you or not experiencing the same things as you. Again, don’t let that stop you from being you. Just listen. Just try to walk in another’s shoes.Before reacting to things , try to see the picture. Express yourself in a positive way too. Don’t make things worse. We all have expression. If someone appologies for being happy while your suffering whether from loss,divorce,or something else, then that isn’t fair. We must continue to go on. We must all continue to live. Continue to build up our own life and our families. Continue to provide in our own way and in our beliefs. Don’t stop doing what you are doing just because of what someone else does or feels.That’s life. IT’S EXPRESSION. LIFE IS FULL OF FEELINGS AND CHALLENGES. If there is no room or acceptance of being who we think we should be or loving who we are then what’s this life for? Everyone is experiencing their own life and their own roads. Whether it was meant for them or from choices you make. Whether it’s for you to learn from or others to learn. JUST LIVE AND EXPERIENCE> EXPRESS AND LOVE AND SUPPORT> FAMILY IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE THE CENTER OF THE WORLD AND ETERNITY> FAMILY IS WHAT GOD MADE THIS EXISTENCE FOR>LET’S NEVER FORGET WHO IS TRYING TO DESTROY THAT> NEVER DESTROY YOURSELF.

Now I close this in saying that I love my life and family, even on my ‘off’ days and just releasing my negative energy and my feelings. I don’t care what anyone thinks for I am doing this to better understand myself. To better take criticism. It’s for learning more in my school path I chose and hope to help in a career path one day. To reflect on later and to help my spouse and children and family and friends and those I meet on how I am and what I do to grow as a Daughter of God. It helps me to feel the love and the spirit and know the importance of decisions,consequences,stalling, judgments, life, and what’s to come in the eternal life. FOR GROWTH. WORK IN PROGRESS . Much love to my family and to my friends and to all of us. FOR REALLY WE ARE FAMILY. Never be afraid to be open and honest. Never be afraid to be you! Remember You are your Advocate. You choose your path. You feel the way you feel. BE YOU! And as you develop and grow, help others along the way too. Face those challenges and fears.

I am grateful that I’m not perfect. I am grateful for the Atonement and how I can always renew and repent. I am grateful for an Understanding Heavenly Parents and Savior who can help guide me in what I’m trying to say and have the courage. So grateful for life’s challenges. Grateful for my families examples and love. Grateful for understanding,support,kindness,compassion and so much more from my spouse, children,family, friends, gospel ,and etc.. I know that this may be ”big” to me at this moment, but I will overcome all obstacles,battles,adversary,challenges one day and be perfected into someone so amazing that only God has the vision of right now. So I am grateful for my beliefs and my power and gifts and my abilities in the good and the bad. I am grateful for my mistakes. For my fear of stages and working on my writing and singing. For I see so much greatness in all I meet. I see beyond all the hurt and tears. I see and forgive and love beyond the bullying and judgement. No one is perfect and yet I see and feel as everyone is in some way. We’re all family. We’re all made with special gifts. We’re all important. See that! REmember that. Learn and grow. And always Love yourself even for the silly, unimportant, ”attention”, hurtful,good,bad,flaws, and everything else. I promise things get so much better. JUST EXPRESS AND LOVE AND SUPPORT AND SERVE!

All the best! With Love~ Jackie

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